October Is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
‼️ WARNING TALK OF PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS ‼️
This is my story
October use to be just another flip of a calendar month and it was closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I never had a second thought about what awareness was dedicated to October until one year my husband and I decided we wanted to try for another child. I was on the IUD for some time, so I had to call and make an appointment to have it removed. At the doctor’s office, they informed me that we could start trying within one cycle; so, we did. We were both excited to add a new baby to our small family of three. One month turned in to two months and then three months.
We all know planning for another child can be stressful even though everyone keeps telling you to relax it will happen. I did everything, took my temperature, checked my cervix and even use the Fertility Friend App. Nothing seemed to work. My confidence was low and was so tired of making everything so clinical. My husband and I started to argue over the smallest things. So, one month I chose to let it all go and stop everything I was doing to try to track ovulation. Then, with a real surprise I was late.
It was the first week of June 2018. I knew the approximate date my period was to arrive, but then I noticed a few days past and nothing. I was trying to keep my emotions in check, I took a test, Negative. Ok, so now I’m thinking I must have ovulated later than normal. If I don’t get it by Thursday of that week I will take my temperature Friday morning to see if I still had an elevated BBT (basal body temp).
Thursday came, nothing. Early Friday morning I woke up and took my BBT and to my surprise I was at a 98.63. I jumped out of bed and ran to take a test. Those five minutes felt like forever and when my phone timer went off I was so scared to look, but boy was I glad I did. Those beautiful two lines I have been waiting over a year to see. The wait was finally over. I told my husband we were expecting, and he was overjoyed, now we needed to keep it a secret until we made it to the second trimester.
I never gave a second though about miscarriage. It never happened to me so why would it happen now. Not very many people talk about it, so I was not aware of how common they actually are. 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage, which came to a shock because no one openly talked about it, even doctors.
I became utterly aware of this when my family came to visit. I will never forget. We went to the golf emporium in Destin Fl. At this time, we did tell my parents as I really could not hide the morning sickness. As we walked around the park, I started to feel a bit sick right before the dolphin show so I left to the bathroom. I was a bit relieved I didn’t get sick, but I did use the bathroom. As I wiped I saw a pink stain and tried not to freak out. I went back to my seat and told my mom, she assured me that its normal to spot in the first few weeks of pregnancy as this did not happen with my first. But still I could not shake this feeling of dread.
In the mist of it all my husband had to take an emergency trip to Puerto Rico to see a family member who was sick, and he wanted to say his goodbyes. He left, and my parents stayed for another few days. I just kept having this feeling something was not right. Every time I used the bathroom I was still spotting, but this time it was a bit more. The panic was starting to set in, but I had to keep a strong face since there was so much going on.
That same day my family left I was picking up my husband from the airport around 11:30pm. What was supposed to be a happy reunion turned into a scary and unsure time in the hospital. About an hour before his plane was scheduled to land I was not feeling well at all. I took my daughter out of the car to find a bathroom. I had her sit by the door, so no one could come in. The moment I looked in the toilet all of saw was red. This was not normal. I’m trying to keep it together for my daughter as we walk back to the car. I get her in the seat an called my husband as soon as he landed. I was frantic at this point and he had to calm me down once he got into the car.
We were lucky that the hospital was close by, so we made our way there and after what felt like hours we finally got into a room and scheduled a transvaginal ultrasound. At this time, I was just about 9 weeks along. They did the ultrasound and we waited for the results. Around 2:30am the ER doctor comes into the room and tells me that I have a subsonic hematoma. This is when a part of the amniotic sac separates from the uterus and leaving an empty space. That space then gets filled with blood and has to come out in order to resolve itself. This does give you a threat of miscarriage. They told me the heartbeat at only 98bpm which was low, and baby was small for being 9 weeks along. I left the hospital with my discharge papers saying suspected miscarriage or threated miscarriage.
I just knew something was up. The bleeding became heavier and darker in color. I kept telling myself that the hematoma was working its way out, but deep down I know I needed to prepare myself. Then, it happened.
On August 14, 2018 I woke up to my first thought of saying that I had the best night sleep in weeks, then I said to myself that I felt different. As I sat up from my bed I felt this movement of detachment, if that makes any since. My uterus felt heavy. When I stood up everything I was feeling just seem to drop, I ran to the bathroom and I saw a gulf ball size clot. I was mortified. I knew at that moment our baby was gone.
As the day progressed so did the bleeding. Then came the cramps but not the normal kind, this was labor. I endured the pain which was unbearable to the point the it made me sick. After three days, I ended back the emergency room. Only this time the medical staff was just so cold about it, they had no compassion for what I was going through. I never thought this would happen to me and when I heard those words, “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat,” it was like the room went black. I knew my baby was gone but hearing those words made it a reality. Once they left the room I started to sob in my husband’s arms uncontrollably. We lost our baby, our much loved and wanted child was gone and there was nothing I can do about it.
The days blurred together after that day, I felt like I was in a fog. I lost all pregnancy symptoms and just felt like I wanted to hide in a closet. I didn’t want to be talked to or touched so my husband left me alone for fear I might break. I met with my OB to talk options since I was still heavily bleeding and passing large clots. They scheduled me for a D&C that following week. I could not bear the thought of having to fish my baby out of the toilet. since the ricks were low, singed the paper work.
It was one of the second most emotional days since hearing those ungodly words, this was my closer. Days after the procedure, I started doing lots of research and found so much helpful information that is not readily available unless you actively seek it out. My mom came back up to help out while my husband went back to work, and I continued to read and do research. I found a support group on Facebook and found out I was not alone. I am 1 in 4. I have two children, but one was too precious for this world.
It’s been just over a hear and I wanted to share my story in hopes to bring awareness. Miscarriage happens more often than you think and no, you are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing that you did caused it to happen and there is no shame in asking for support. If this was your first child, you are still a mother and you will always be. No one can take that away from you.
This blog has been one of the easiest but also the hardest and emotionally draining one to write. Reliving one of the worst days in my life. But, the events that have taken place has pushed me into specializing in maternity and birth photography. Its inspired me to become a bereavement doula and help families that have experience loss. I understand what the moms are going through when I get called form NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep). I never got to see my baby or ever took any pictures of my growing belly and because of that I decided to create a non-profit (still in the works). This will offer free maternity portraits of families with babies of a fatal diagnoses. This will be a priceless gift that the families will forever cherish.
I am 1in4
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